Nice Distraction!

All my life I had alway think, think too much. It would just be nice for once to curl up in someone circle of arms free of all worries, second thoughts, and fears.

Clouds, Rain, Wind, and The Sun

Today I woke up feeling positive... "Everything will be just fine!" for us! That is what I told myself. And perhaps everything will be just fine...

One

Only the idea of self remains
Floating on a sea of cells;
Only heartbeats short of eternity
In breath after breath we dwell.

~ Mike Garofalo

Sadness!

It's a beautiful day outside. The sun is out shining with spring like weather. Yet my whole being is covered in this thickness of muted dark blue.

Once upon a time...

It's 9:12 pm. I am sitting here writing incoherent thoughts. The sounds of my mom's snoring in the next room suddenly strike a light hue of reminiscent. It was me at 3 year olds ... or was me a lot younger? I was crawling around in circle upon the wooden bed as my mouth was chewing a spoonful of rice. My mom sat there with a bowl in one hand and a spoonful of rice in the other hand waiting patiently for me to finish chewing on the bite.

I am 44 going on to 45. My mom is 82 going on to 83. So much had happened in each of our lives. Where did the time go?

Old age!

Let's talk about old age! At least it is to what I witness, not yet experiencing it. First it was my father. He is the type of man who is always positive, pleasant, and easy going. There were very few things that he really ever got bother by. He retired a while ago... about 13 year ago. Back then when he did retire, he still keeping himself busy with painting, translating Chinese, French, and English poems into Vietnamese. He wrote personal bios and Chinese medicine books which his friend promises to publish but somehow never did. He was a healthy individual who hardly got any sickness other than occasional colds. He decided a few years before just when he begins his retirement that he is to move into my older sister house to help her with her children. And that my mom is to move into my older bother home to help him out with his children. They both were ok and happy with the arrangement. My brother and my sister, both also felt the same way. Then, I don't quite know when it actually starts, but my father slowly stop painting. When I asked him about it, he just said that it was hard to pain with kids running around and getting into his paints. Then as one or two years go by, I started to notice that he eats less and less. He also starts to loose interest in surfing the net, translating poems, and writing books. He started to sleep more and more during the day. Eventually his sleeping pattern became irregular and he woke up just enough to eat a little something, listening to his kids’ talks if they happened to be around before he went back to bed. This seems to be for duration of almost two years. Then one day he got sick with flu and that lasted for about a month. He passed away after that. Witnessing that last month of his life was very difficult. He kept waking up, at first every few times a night, then it became every hour, then it became every half. He just woke up wanting to go to the bathroom or just woke up sitting up at the bed edge. Poor daddy, he became so restless. When he passed away, my mom was devastated. They never had gotten quite along ... to put in lightly. She was so upset that she took sick not long after that. Just like a switch, she changes from being capable to incapable. Her health has changed immensely, she can't walk anywhere without a walker. She can't cook, clean, nor does anything of the house hold chores that she so wanted to do to prove to herself that she being useful. The only thing she can do now is waking up early to chant a Buddhist mantra and prayed for everyone she loved. She often thinks back of her past. She talked in regrets of things that she did that weren’t so kind. She tried hard everyday to live with kindness and tranquility.

All this witnessing sometimes made me feel old, and sad. Life is so fragile and dream like. There never seems enough time before and now it seems even less so. There is no time to waste on hatred, anger, and unkind. Every minutes is precious, there is only time for love, joy, and kindness.

Oh yes! It's 2006! Febuary 9, 2006. I got in to work today almost just like any other day. I got upstair to the cafeteria and bought myself a cup of coffee with lots of cream, sugar, and a hoagie roll with butter. The woman who worked there knew me by now as far as what I usually eat for breakfast. Not so much what exactly, just how I want whatever I ordered. It usually a cup of coffee or tea. And most of time I got a slice of bread, farm wheat, toasted and one saugage patty. There are days I got tired of the usual then I got myself a plain hoagie roll with very little butter. I don't like lots of butter like most people do and I don't put butter in rolls or slice of bread if I got sausage or some kind of fattening meat. Then if I got tired of bread then I got myself a glazed donut. Glazed donut is all that like of all the type of donuts. Everything else is just too damm sweet! :) .... Anyway, the lunchtress has known by now how I wanted my order ( you see, our building has just thirdteen floors and a small unprofit organization so everyone kind of know everyone here) but this morning she decided to slapped on ... a few chunk of butter in my roll! Gosh, she must hated that I am being so skinny!... haha... The point is people often tell me how great I look being skinny and all. And the lunchtress always comment on how skinny I look and was always surprised that I ate so little. People just don't know how silly it is thinking that I look great being skinny. It's not all that FUN! GET OVER IT and just be Happy with who you are and how you are. And if you don't like how you are then do something... stop harrassing me! Skin and bones like me? You will get tired all the time, not much energy to do hard work, don't always look great in every dresses there is, don't always look good period!!! :| And if you don't like who you are?.... Maybe you can change that too... :)
I did! After all who you borned is not who you are or who you will be, don't you think? Otherwise, none of us can ever better ourself, yes? And I don't mean change yourself by stepping on others or putting others down either... that just going to make one become more ugly! Then in next life time, you will be sorry!.... I heard a song with a line of lyric goes something like this.... ".... It's not going to stop... It's not going to stop... 'Til you wise up..."...Anyhow, it's a new year and I haven't touch my blog in ages. So I just rambling on... Rambling on is great for a little while... It's keeps you, masking you from the thing that biting at you mind and your heart you see?... just for a little while so you breath out and feel your soul just a little lighter... WELL! Back to reality!!! :) Till next time.