Impermanent

I am depress! Today I truly felt the meaning of the quote.. "If you know death is certain and you do not know the time of your death. What will you do?" The pain of impermanent when we are totally blinded, refusing to see things for the way things are. So much pain! Life can stop in a blink of an eye.

Addicted to Love

Have you ever thought of how it feel to be in love? And I am talking truly being conscious of how you feel, both physically and mentally. Most of us never conscious of it and I was no exception. I was in and out of love a few times in my life, but never notice it consciously. This time I notice it. There is this brightness that color everything around me. Everything is in it's glorious color. The warmth that anew my being and I woke up in such possibilities. I was able again to open my heart up to everything surrounding me. I realized that when I love and being loved by someone, that love is not just contained, but it extend out to everything and everyone. No wonder why some of us addicted to love!

Being on my own...

slowly I am back to myself. Readjusting enough to still include my last experience, of what I had learned from it. Just enough so that my perspective broaden without loosing myself.

That is what I am telling myself, for better or for worse. I think it is for better anyway. Coming out of a long difficult relationship the kind that would break you... at least I should come out on positive note, yes?

Life goes on! Though I am not sure how. I am sort of wandering aimlessly looking for clues, hoping there would be signs that guide me to the right direction. So let's hope I will find my direction.

Tonight

It is a mixture of feeling, but the aloneness seems prominent for me tonight...

What if?

Interrelationship

You are me, and I am you.
Isn't it obvious that we "inter-are"?
You cultivate the flower in yourself,
so that I will be beautiful.
I transform the garbage in myself,
so that you will not have to suffer.

I support you;
you support me.
I am in this world to offer you peace;
you are in this world to bring me joy


1989. Written during a retreat for psychotherapists held in Colorado
in response to Fritz Perls' statement, "You are you, and I am me, and
if by chance we meet, that's wonderful. If not, it couldn't be helped."

~Thich Nhat Hanh

And I too, wanting it all!

I shall say that I want it all.
If you ask me how much I want,
I shall tell you that I want it all.
You and I and everyone are flowing this morning
Into the marvelous stream of oneness.
Small pieces of imagination as we are,
We have come a long way to find ourselves,
And for ourselves in the dark,
The illusion of emancipation.

This morning my brother is back from his long adventure.
He kneels before the altar and his eyes are filled with tears
His soul is looking for a shore to put an anchor,
My own image of long ago.
Let him kneel there and weep,
Let him cry his heart out.
Let him have his refuge for a thousand years
Enough to dry all his tears.

Because one of these nights I shall come.
I have to come and set fire to this small cottage of his on a hill.
His last shelter.
My fire will destroy,
Destroy everything.
Take away from him the only life raft he has, after a ship wreck.
In the utmost anguish of his soul,
The shell will break.
The light of the burning hut will witness, gloriously, his deliverance.
I will wait for him beside the burning cottage,
Tears will run down my cheeks.
I shall be there to contemplate his new existence,
And hold his hand in mine,
And ask him how much he would want.
He will smile at me and say that he wants it all.
Just as I did.


Thich Nhat Hanh

In Love

So my heart ached today! What is this about falling in love? I thought about it long and hard. Then I decided that when he/she said that he/she falling in love that it isn't love at all. What it really is, is that he/she really in love with his/her images of who the other person is versus who the other person really is. So I guessed I wasn't really in love after all! HA!

I guessed I am just that type of a person who would choose to make sense out of everything even when in reality it might not even be closed to what I think it is at all. I chose to make sense for my sake that is. Because I can have a good cry about the situation, talk some senses into myself, then stand up and move on. It doesn't mean I love the person any less than those who lived with pure emotions. Those who crying his/her heart out, doesn't mean he/she loved any more than I do. The point is, I need to keep my sanity. The point is love goes both ways. Loving the other person as well as loving yourself. And then again I think I have loved more than anyone or at least as much as anyone could ever love a person. Doesn't it say somewhere that when you loved someone you set them free?!... Such a cliche, isn't it?! But as much of a cliche it is, I have loved! Still my heart ached! and I will have a good cry!!!

One Safe Place

The song moved me...

For most of us, we all looking for that one safe place....

How many roads you’ve traveled
How many dreams you’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Will you make a smoother landing
When you break your fall from grace
Into the arms of understanding
Looking for one safe place

Life is trial by fire
And love’s the sweetest taste
And I pray it lifts us higher
To one safe place

How many roads we’ve traveled
How many dreams we’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Marc Cohn

http://www.marccohn.net/

True Love, Lost, and Emptiness

"To better Love and Lost, than not to never known Love at all..."

Yes! I do agreed whole heartedly... It's worth it to know True Love. For if I have known True Love I imagined that I would never be lost, even if I had lost the love... I am imagined that True Love would not leave me emptied. I think True Love existed. I am not sure if I had found True Love between a man and a woman yet... but I think the love between parents and children can be too, a True Love. As for seeking love to fill that emptiness in us, I think this depends on what causes our feeling of emptiness in the first place. If Love is what we seeking for, then maybe Love was the cause and is the cure for the feeling of emptiness. Otherwise, seeking for Love is just a band-aid. I know this much is true though... To find True Love, one must first truely Love Oneself and that all True Love take plently of work.

Blah!

I have been in such lousy mood lately!... I have been trying to figure out why I am in such lousy mood, but I couldn't figure out exactly what causing it... Some days I do feel very happy as if there are endless possibilities. I would feel as if my life will just blossom in ways that I wanted it to be. Today I feel lousy though... I sit in front of my computer and staring at line of codes, knowing what I need to do, but I just won't budge. Maybe I had too much fun this weekend when my girlfriend came visiting me and now I feel a bit lost. Maybe it's a transition between the weekends and weekdays that gets to me. There always seems to be a little gap between the weekends and the weekdays with me lately. As if the weekend routines and the weekday routines are so different that, I need time to adjust... And yet I thought I am able to resolve this whole matter years ago. I remembered I use to live for the weekend... as if my real life was comprised of all the weekends and the weekdays were just a blur. I remembered feeling as if I lived separated lives and that everything in my life was separated into incoherent segments. I was longing for a continuous stream of meaningful life. Perhaps not every minute of my life needs to always be meaningful, but that every event must connected to one another. I was longing for connectedness in my life. Now everything seemingly seperated again... I wonder why?

Loneliness

Is it in loneliness that we search for love? Or is it in search of love that we feel our loneliness? This morning I pondered over this matter... A friend of mine was in search for the greatest love of all, supposedly found it. Yet such great love did not fill him and he found himself constantly at work in order not to feel the emptiness that nestles within. Then I have another friend who constantly feels lonely and so he searched out love to fill his emptiness. There are loves everywhere at his fingertips. All he has to do is just reach out and call it his own. Yet he seems not able to see it and so he went on searching...

Why do we feel lonely? What do we suppose to do about it? What is this about loneliness and love? Is it always goes in a pair? Does love suppose to fill up that emptiness that we feel in ourselves?

Forgiveness

I heard of the other day a cover of an old song that was done by Don Henley. The lyrics sang slower and quieter...

I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said youd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
Im learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
......

Another Year

Another year will soon go by. It will be 2007. Life gone by so fast and yet at time it seems like forever.

Butterfly

Butterfly by Pamela Martin

before you say another word
before you give in and your thoughts get blurred
just close your eyes from the world outside
imagine yourself floating in the sky for miles and miles
before you get scared and run away
before I don't hear what you have to say
take a deep breath in let it begin to fade away
there's no one to blame 'cause we are the same and no one has to pay
if a soft place is what you want then, it's a soft place that you will find
letting go is always the hardest like caterpillar to butterfly

Quiet Night

It is 12:30 am now. I am awaked and here just by myself listen to a quiet song. A moment of sadness but within it is a quiet peace. Lately I been having such mix emotions. Within moment of love, there is hate... within happiness, there is sadness... I guessed I must going through all this to find myself again...

Rain

Tonight, 1:48 am, just me sitting hear in my room listening to the sound of rain. I loved the sounds of rain. I am not sure why, but I feel calm... more like peace. The whole world and yet just me...

Nice Distraction!

All my life I had alway think, think too much. It would just be nice for once to curl up in someone circle of arms free of all worries, second thoughts, and fears.

Clouds, Rain, Wind, and The Sun

Today I woke up feeling positive... "Everything will be just fine!" for us! That is what I told myself. And perhaps everything will be just fine...

One

Only the idea of self remains
Floating on a sea of cells;
Only heartbeats short of eternity
In breath after breath we dwell.

~ Mike Garofalo

Sadness!

It's a beautiful day outside. The sun is out shining with spring like weather. Yet my whole being is covered in this thickness of muted dark blue.

Once upon a time...

It's 9:12 pm. I am sitting here writing incoherent thoughts. The sounds of my mom's snoring in the next room suddenly strike a light hue of reminiscent. It was me at 3 year olds ... or was me a lot younger? I was crawling around in circle upon the wooden bed as my mouth was chewing a spoonful of rice. My mom sat there with a bowl in one hand and a spoonful of rice in the other hand waiting patiently for me to finish chewing on the bite.

I am 44 going on to 45. My mom is 82 going on to 83. So much had happened in each of our lives. Where did the time go?

Old age!

Let's talk about old age! At least it is to what I witness, not yet experiencing it. First it was my father. He is the type of man who is always positive, pleasant, and easy going. There were very few things that he really ever got bother by. He retired a while ago... about 13 year ago. Back then when he did retire, he still keeping himself busy with painting, translating Chinese, French, and English poems into Vietnamese. He wrote personal bios and Chinese medicine books which his friend promises to publish but somehow never did. He was a healthy individual who hardly got any sickness other than occasional colds. He decided a few years before just when he begins his retirement that he is to move into my older sister house to help her with her children. And that my mom is to move into my older bother home to help him out with his children. They both were ok and happy with the arrangement. My brother and my sister, both also felt the same way. Then, I don't quite know when it actually starts, but my father slowly stop painting. When I asked him about it, he just said that it was hard to pain with kids running around and getting into his paints. Then as one or two years go by, I started to notice that he eats less and less. He also starts to loose interest in surfing the net, translating poems, and writing books. He started to sleep more and more during the day. Eventually his sleeping pattern became irregular and he woke up just enough to eat a little something, listening to his kids’ talks if they happened to be around before he went back to bed. This seems to be for duration of almost two years. Then one day he got sick with flu and that lasted for about a month. He passed away after that. Witnessing that last month of his life was very difficult. He kept waking up, at first every few times a night, then it became every hour, then it became every half. He just woke up wanting to go to the bathroom or just woke up sitting up at the bed edge. Poor daddy, he became so restless. When he passed away, my mom was devastated. They never had gotten quite along ... to put in lightly. She was so upset that she took sick not long after that. Just like a switch, she changes from being capable to incapable. Her health has changed immensely, she can't walk anywhere without a walker. She can't cook, clean, nor does anything of the house hold chores that she so wanted to do to prove to herself that she being useful. The only thing she can do now is waking up early to chant a Buddhist mantra and prayed for everyone she loved. She often thinks back of her past. She talked in regrets of things that she did that weren’t so kind. She tried hard everyday to live with kindness and tranquility.

All this witnessing sometimes made me feel old, and sad. Life is so fragile and dream like. There never seems enough time before and now it seems even less so. There is no time to waste on hatred, anger, and unkind. Every minutes is precious, there is only time for love, joy, and kindness.

Oh yes! It's 2006! Febuary 9, 2006. I got in to work today almost just like any other day. I got upstair to the cafeteria and bought myself a cup of coffee with lots of cream, sugar, and a hoagie roll with butter. The woman who worked there knew me by now as far as what I usually eat for breakfast. Not so much what exactly, just how I want whatever I ordered. It usually a cup of coffee or tea. And most of time I got a slice of bread, farm wheat, toasted and one saugage patty. There are days I got tired of the usual then I got myself a plain hoagie roll with very little butter. I don't like lots of butter like most people do and I don't put butter in rolls or slice of bread if I got sausage or some kind of fattening meat. Then if I got tired of bread then I got myself a glazed donut. Glazed donut is all that like of all the type of donuts. Everything else is just too damm sweet! :) .... Anyway, the lunchtress has known by now how I wanted my order ( you see, our building has just thirdteen floors and a small unprofit organization so everyone kind of know everyone here) but this morning she decided to slapped on ... a few chunk of butter in my roll! Gosh, she must hated that I am being so skinny!... haha... The point is people often tell me how great I look being skinny and all. And the lunchtress always comment on how skinny I look and was always surprised that I ate so little. People just don't know how silly it is thinking that I look great being skinny. It's not all that FUN! GET OVER IT and just be Happy with who you are and how you are. And if you don't like how you are then do something... stop harrassing me! Skin and bones like me? You will get tired all the time, not much energy to do hard work, don't always look great in every dresses there is, don't always look good period!!! :| And if you don't like who you are?.... Maybe you can change that too... :)
I did! After all who you borned is not who you are or who you will be, don't you think? Otherwise, none of us can ever better ourself, yes? And I don't mean change yourself by stepping on others or putting others down either... that just going to make one become more ugly! Then in next life time, you will be sorry!.... I heard a song with a line of lyric goes something like this.... ".... It's not going to stop... It's not going to stop... 'Til you wise up..."...Anyhow, it's a new year and I haven't touch my blog in ages. So I just rambling on... Rambling on is great for a little while... It's keeps you, masking you from the thing that biting at you mind and your heart you see?... just for a little while so you breath out and feel your soul just a little lighter... WELL! Back to reality!!! :) Till next time.

Life is all about courage. Courage to be. Courage to do what is need to be done. Courage to live.

This morning I could not wake up or event drag myself out of bed. The feeling persists throughout the day. It lelf me with a strange thought ... " what if this is all but a dream?"

Maybe Maybe not

It was Robert Fullham who wrote this in his book, titled "OH UH!". And ever since it's becomes my motto also. Life is like that Maybe, Maybe not. It all depends on how you want to create your realities. What's yours?